“Now I know I’ve got a heart, because it is breaking. – Tin Man”
“Right now, no, I’m not. My heart literally hurts. It feels like it’s shattering into a million pieces, but it never stops. And at the same time it feels like someone is ripping it out of my chest. I feel like I can’t breathe…”
Even now, as I type this, I have to stop occasionally, because my sobbing produces so many tears, that it becomes impossible to see. My response continued,
“…but I will be ok. This is some of the worst pain I have ever felt in life…but I’m going to worship my way through this, just like I have everything else. Right now I can’t stand up, I can’t even kneel. All I can do is lay here and sob. But deep beyond this armor, this warrior is a child who has climbed up in her Father’s lap. And there…those tears are my worship.”
I originally wrote this post, just for my family. The ones that are feeling this pain with me. The ones who have felt this pain with me, time, after time…while the rest of the world just “got used” to someone sick, or dying in our family. Or something bad going on here, or there. After-all, it’s always SOMETHING with us, right? I suppose from the outside looking in, maybe it seems like it gets easier every time, ya know. Like WE get used to it too, because we are so strong. But since I’m writing this post to the rest of the world now too, instead of just my family, I’ll let you in on a little secret; WE aren’t strong at all, and it actually gets harder.
When I said that this is some of the worst pain that I’ve ever felt, that wasn’t an exaggeration. If there is family that we’re close to, this set of aunts and cousins is the closest. And one of those cousins is my very first and very best friend. We spent holidays together as kids, played at Grandma and Grandpa’s, literally grew up together. They are in every single happy family memory that I have, on my dad’s side. Every event, they come. My mom had cancer, they rushed to town. When I was in the hospital and they couldn’t come, they called constantly. We’re always texting about random stuff, or calling and talking for sometimes hours at a time. She once told me to throw rocks at boys, and dream bigger than my own mind could comprehend. She sticks up for me, and believes in me. She watches Big Hero 6 with me, and as far as people go, she is my hero. She’s loved me unconditionally, since before I even knew what love was. And when I think of not being able to hug her, and not being able to fight her for a dressing room, or get free Starbucks with her, or just be with her, or the fact that there would only be two amigos left of our three amigo clan…I can’t even comprehend it.
And I know that we make it look so easy, most of the time. My uncle died, and my dad died 2 months later. Then our great aunt a month after that, 4 close family friends, and our Gram 2 weeks after the last friend’s funeral. And now, 10 months later, my 40 year old cousin is slipping quickly away from us.
And people tell us how strong we are, while on the inside we can feel our hearts breaking. And they say that joy is coming in the morning, but it seems like the night never ends. And we’ve been fighting the good fight so hard, for so long, that we start to question our own sanity as to whether there really is any good in this fight, anywhere. Like I said, WE aren’t strong. We are human beings, just like you. Sometimes we have doubts, and fears, and hurts that nearly take us out, just like you. Sometimes we believe for something, that doesn’t turn out the way we hoped, or planned. Sometimes we even feel like giving up. And some of you get that, whether you are my family or not. Because I know that we aren’t the only ones. We’re not the only ones, who FEEL like giving up sometimes. But there is a reason why we never do. Because through it all we know that Jesus holds us. And we don’t worship Him because of what our circumstances look like, we worship Him, because of who He is. And who He is, means absolutely everything, especially right now, in this super dark night. Because even He, even Jesus, felt like giving up once.
As I listened to this song today…I remembered that though our tears may be running like waterfalls, right now, we have this hope inside of these cracked clay pots we occupy…that He is who He says He is, and that HE WILL bring us beauty for these ashes! That no matter how much pain we ever have to endure, it doesn’t even come closer to the amount of pain that He chose to endure for us. And though we mourn now, as we watch someone that we love endure such pain, we will not give up, we will keep pressing on. Why? Because, Jesus didn’t give up. He chose instead to say “Father, YOUR will, not Mine.” A prayer that I have said many times. “God, I don’t want to do this. I don’t FEEL like I can do this. But if you want me to do this, I WILL, and I know that You’re with me.” I know that My cousin has said that very same prayer. Not because she understood why she has to. Not because she is so strong in her own strength. But because the joy of the Lord is her strength. She sees the joy that is set before her, the joy that when she feels the weight of the glory that will surround her, all of this pain will be just a distant memory.
I’m not ok right now, and neither is some of my family. But we will be. Our faith isn’t based on getting what we want, or understanding why certain things happen the way that they do. Our faith isn’t sure only when the healing comes…it’s in trusting God, even when the healing doesn’t come, here on Earth. And knowing that NO MATTER WHAT…He loves us, He knows what He’s doing, and that He will work ALL things for our good and His glory. We dare to believe that we do still have a reason to sing. Because Jesus CONQURED the grave! So whether My cousin is in His arms here on Earth, or she goes on to be with Him in Heaven, she is always in His arms! The reckless Love of our good good Father is stronger than death! And that love will carry us, as we press on, knowing that Jesus overcame, and because of that, we will see her again someday! This Earth isn’t our home! And even through the very darkest nights, when sorrow feels like it will surely break us; our victory songs will echo throughout this pain, knowing that joy comes in the morning!
Josh Wilson-Before The Morning http://youtu.be/6Hcwd5Y6B00